Asian Crack. (JJ's Asian Fusion, Astoria)

Asian fusion restaurants are so common these days its impossible not to get spare ribs next to sushi on a table anymore. Used to be you could go to a japanese restaurant and order sushi, and you had to cross the street to go to the crappy chinese take out place if you wanted lo mein for an entree. But in the age of ridiculous convenience we live in, we can now do it all anywhere-- even crappy french restaurants serve sushi now. So why did this culinary snob go to one of these gimmicky 'asian fusion' restaurants? Because I had a hot date! HAHAHA. Obviously the best thing in the restaurant was me but I couldn't start with that so I ordered some Edamame Potstickers which the place advertises as "the best in New York". My date was so pleased with these I knew I was getting oral later (score!). I ordered more just in case. The potstickers were more like steamed dumplings with edamame puree inside with a wasabi-cream dressing. They had incredible balance and were so delicious I cried a little. I want to say these are the absolute best asian thing in the whole world except for 'Tila Tequila' or my kung fu (which is the strongest most asian kung fu out there). The rest of the menu is awesome. The Chefs special rolls on the back are especially tasty, most of them are flame-kissed-mix-fish-sushi-rolls-of-delight with a touch of spice. Everything is savory and sweet at the same time. Its hard to believe that the chef here is chinese and still makes sushi this good. I think the best thing still is the Edamame 'puffs' as my beautiful date describes them. And I probably would have scored but she decided to stay and keep ordering more dumplings (sad). Anyway, dont miss on this amazing gem in the heart of Astoria. If you werent looking for it you would pass right by because the place is kind of crappy looking. The service is great but the decor kind of sucks. But I still think its one of the best!

9 out of 10 ninja stars

JJ asian fusion

31st ave and 37th st

astoria, queens 11106

The restaurant WAS a ninja! (Mas farmhouse, NYC)

Thank god Iphones have gps because this place was about as easy to find as two native americans in the same room. My taxi passed it and kept going till I pointed out that the numbers were going the wrong way and that even though we were in the west village logic still has prescedence over stupidity. He let me and my super-hot-recently-single-jailbait-date out a few feet away from a large wooden wall which apparently is in fact a very good restaurant called Mas. I was only a few minutes late for my reservation but they still had my tiny table waiting for me. I of course did not take the ultra comfortable looking banquet because i am not an ass but I would have liked a sit. Perhaps I should have ingested more liquid courage and joined my date on the other side but I had the feeling that this wasnt that kind of place. It felt a bit fancy but still relaxed. The menus were sparse but presented nice options anyway. Everything was seasonal and therefore guaranteed difficult to mess up even for a retard chef and also incredibly expensive. I coerced my hot date quite easily into doing the 4 course tasting menu and drinking a bottle of french wine (great wine list) but failed to coerce her into an impromptu make out session in the bathroom (which i forgot to check out darnit!!!). The amuse bouche was a joke, some crappy little pieces of corn and some kind of green rabbit food like thing was super forgettable, thank god thats  freebie. The first course was a salmon cucumber toastie thing which was so good I was sexually satisfied right there... i swear! That was followed by something but i cant remember..... It was good, but I cant remember. Then the monkfish... this was bland at best. Really a failure but it was still pallatable and small enough not to mess up my appetite for the last course. I had a pork loin with flageolet and it was remeniscent of a duck confit set up but a really nice take on it. I found it both familiar and surprising, however I would have liked my beans cooked a bit more. The dessert was so good I wanted to die in the middle, be reincarnated as a fruit fly, fly into the room and land into the dessert to try it again for the first time. It was chocolate decedance. Made from valhrona chocolate with both bittersweet and dark chocolate coming together into a sweet symphony of mouth pleasure. I would like to make out with the dessert chef for this one (please be a member of the swedish bikini team). Overall, this place was delicious and unforgettable but not perfect. My palate has become more refined since my last post and I am going to be a bit harsh, but this place is probably one of the best I have eaten at in a long time. Please go eat here. 

8.5 out of 10 ninja stars

(get the address your own dam self I just started posting again!)

Alley of broken dreams. (Freemans NYC)

After hearing about this place from EVERYONE I decided I had to go check it out. I also love staring at taxidermy while I eat game because it makes my brain not have to work as hard to think about what I am really eating. This visit I went pretty early on a weeknight. The place was surprisingly empty and I was seated right away. The staff was very polite and my waitress was really sweet, not as sweet as my hot date but pretty sweet still. I started with the artichoke dip which is awesome super awesomeness. It's the best artichoke dip and probably the best dish on the menu. I say this because everything else I ate was pretty terrible. I ordered the filet mignon and was horrified when I saw that they covered it in horseradish sauce. However, it did clear my sinuses very well. Im glad I got a bottle of red wine I could no longer taste thanks to the taste-bud burning horseradish sauce which ruined my perfect piece of meat. Ugh. I hate it when chefs kill a simple thing like filet mignon with dumb sauces. KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID! I feel like cows should be insulted that they are being killed in order to give the chef a chance to smother their best cut with flavor killer. I am never coming here again unless the rest of the world is on fire and this place was a pool, with pool toys, and the swedish bikini team.

2 out of 10 ninja stars

 

191 Chrystie St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 420-0012

Sorry!

I've been snowboarding for the last week and haven't been able to post. I have some new reviews to post as soon as I'm not using a dial-up connection. Thanks for being patient guys!

Guess That Dish!

I used to eat this as a child. Especially good when still moving...

Guess That Dish!

So, I guess they eat this in the Philippines as well as Fear Factor. Pass the Sriracha!

All hype. (J.G. Melons NYC)

This Upper East Side institution is probably older than I am but they haven’t really improved over the years. Upon hearing of my best burger quest several of my compatriots recommended this restaurant for their legendary burger. I like this place, great service, friendly staff and a very comfortable feel. I even like that they decorate the place with every ‘melon’ painting they could put their hands on, even though it’s the corniest thing in the whole world. I love the host too, he reminds me of that super tan actor but with glasses and no sports-coat. You know who. The burger was inexpensive at less than $10 dollars, but it came without fries, which were an additional cost. The burger had nothing special. I got the bacon cheeseburger. It came with lettuce tomato and onion, but nothing special. No sauce either. The bun was one of those dinky institutional ones that could barely keep from tearing apart while I ate it. The burger towered high once built and was IMPOSSIBLE to eat unless your jawbone disconnects like a python. If it does, you’re a freak, send me a picture of you so I marvel at you. The cheese was boring American. Perhaps, I could have changed some of these ingredients up, but I feel that the challenge is to have the best burger a place offers without making too many substitutions and this place fell super-flat. However, the fries were awesome little silver dollar sized and super crunchy yet soft. This is a place to go get a drink and eat a burger if your hungry, but I am never taking the suggestion of anyone who told me to go here for a burger ever again.

4 out of 10 ninja stars

1291 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10021
(212) 744-0585

Sexy Update: The pic shown is from another website, my burger looked way worse. If you can believe it!

MMMMmmmmm. (Peasant NYC)

I don’t speak Italian and so I definitely can’t read a menu written entirely in Italian, but that’s about the only thing I can say that was bad about this place. Well, almost. When I first entered Peasant, I was greeted by Captain Drunktard. The host was noticeably wasted and could barely stand. His attempt at helping my date with her coat was taken as an attempt at choking her as this drunken buffoon simply reached for her coat with no warning or description of his actions. I do speak drunktard very well so I interpreted for her and she happily gave him her coat. We sat in the high-ceiling main dining room with exposed bricks and awesome wood fire oven open kitchen. The place was really rustic and smelled amazing. My waiter was attentive and made excellent suggestions on wine for my table. He didn’t mind that the third part of my threesome was running late. When we were all comfortable our waiter translated every item on the menu and very eloquently described each dish and made recommendations. We shared burrata, which is an awesome Italian buffalo mozzarella cheese on the outside with mozzarella and cream on the inside, and I totally recommend it. The main courses were AMAZING. I ordered the roast suckling pig, which was cooked perfectly and tender, and the skin was crispy and incredibly flavorful. My dates had gnocchi with rabbit and cream sauce, which was also incredible, and the skate fish. That’s the best gnocchi I’ve ever had. The fish was surprisingly juicy and very very crisp. Nice juxtaposition on that one. They must have baked it and then thrown it into the broiler at the very end. I was super impressed with this dining establishment. If you can manage to get a table here I HIGHLY recommend it. Peasant is a place worth coming to New York for.

9 out of 10 ninja stars

194 Elizabeth St # A
New York, NY 10012
(212) 965-9511
www.peasantnyc.com

Im not eating the hotdogs. (Please Don't Tell NYC)

So one of the best kept secrets in New York is that I walked through the 36 chambers of death in the shaolin temple unscathed. The other one is this place. To get into this speak easy I had to hear about it from some barfly, and then beat the phone number out of him. After several attempts to make a reservation, I finally got a slot on a weekday. When I arrived to the Hot dog stand this place hides behind “Criff Dogs” I went into the cramped phone booth with my hot date. After making some excellent superman jokes and insisted this was where we should change into something a little more “comfortable”, I picked up the phone and pressed a button. The door in the back of the booth opened and then a pretty rude lady asking me if I had a reservation greeted me. I did, but she said my table wasn’t ready and I would have to wait in the hot dog stand. So after a few minutes, by which the line into the booth was becoming quite large she ushered me in (I think the secret is blown). Upon entering I immediately noticed the taxidermy everywhere and the low ceiling. This place was not as nice looking as Death & Co but it did have its own ‘charm’. The drink menu was also a lot more diverse. The drinks ranged from gin to tequila to stuff with whole eggs in them. I started with the “Black flip” which is comprised of a chocolate stout beer, dark rum, and a whole egg. It was delicious and I got all my daily needs of protein. The last drink I had before I left was the “Cinema long drink”. It was basically rum infused with popcorn and coca cola. Tasted like a movie theatre floor, but in a good way. The food options were basically any of the hotdogs from the next door hot dog stand. I don't like eating lips and a$$holes (Dan Akroyd is so funny) that much, so I passed. I recommend this place to anyone who wants to impress a date. Speak easy experience to it’s fullest.

6 out of 10 ninja stars

113 St. Marks Pl
New York, NY
212-614-0386

Sexy update: From now on I will be using 'spell-check' by popular demand. Nerds!

Guess That Dish!

Now thats just wrong. I am so messed up for posting this.

Guess That Dish!

I friggin love these things!

Asian Fusion is Super Annoying. (The Foundation Lounge, Boston)

The drinks: As soon as I discovered they had Grey Goose Pear I only had GGP and tonic all night, so yeah they had my favorite drink--fantastic.

The food: Asian fusion bar nibbles--poorly executed crab rangoon, mildy edible vegetable maki, pretty good spicy double tuna maki, forgetable shumai, and skip the salmon bruschetta. And who knew bruschetta, crab rangoon and shumai were "high concept Japanese snacks"? I should've just stuck to the GGP&Ts. Bar is good, but don't go for the food or to meet any hotties.

5 out of 10 ninja stars

500 Commonwealth Ave

Boston, MA

www.thefoundationlounge.com

P.S. I swear I spotted some guys that reminded me of this youtube classic douche

Cozy. (Elephant NYC)

This tiny French-Thai fusion place in the east village trips me out. Its so small you practically sit on top of your neighbor (extra-fun if she is Adriana Lima). Its loud and they play eclectic music list of the bartenders choosing. This place trips trips me out because even though its cramped and kind of uncomfortable and loud its ALWAYS packed. This place serves dinner till about midnight on weekends and its a great little spot for your late night eats when around. The best things on the menu are the fish. I had salmon with spicy thai salad that was really good and sweet and spicy. My friend had skate fish which was better than mine, which made me jealous and angry. Good thing she shared. I had some kind of lime tart for dessert and that was like the best key lime pie i ever ate. But, it wasn't the tea leaf tiramisu which I really wanted since they were sold out... I really wantedd to try tea leaf tiramisu. The meal was fairly expensive but still reasonable. And don't think I didn't try their spring rolls, those were the best spring rolls I ate in a while. They came with lettuce and mint leaves like they should. SOOOOO YUMMY. I recommend this place if your in the hood but wouldn't make a detour for it.

6 out of 10 ninja stars

58 E 1st St
New York 10003
212-505-7739

I'll take mine with egg-whites. (Death & Co NYC)

This place is a cool speak easy in the lower east side. I was greeted at the door by a bouncer who was incredibly polite and told me they were full at the moment but could take my number and call me when there was availability in not more than 30 minutes. He called me within 10. Now this bouncer is supposedly famous on food blogs for being a jerk. But I could not see it. I was so ready for someone worse than Cerebus at Hell's gate but no, he was nicer than an old lady after a throw. Some of the comments i've read about him are really funny, i'll attach one to the post. I especially like when one girl starts attacking another and calling her an 'alien' for regularly paying 14 dollars for a martini. But I digress. This place was really cool and the bartenders had facial hair, like Chuck Norris. The lighting was dim which made it impossible to read the size 10 script font for all the menu items but I managed somehow and ordered a China Fizz. The drink had egg whites which made it super foamy. The bartender prepared the drink like a chemist. It was hypnotizing. I also tried the duck quesedilla. It was an awesome bar snack. I really like it here.

7 out of 10 ninja stars

433 E 6th St
New York, NY 10009
Phone: (212) 388-0882

Comments about the bouncer HERE

Guess That Dish!

Yay for the funny farm! How many can YOU eat?

Crazy town. (The Bourgeois Pig NYC)

Ok I went here for A drink because Death and Co wanted me to wait for something to open up. I arrived to this empty bar and was immediately greeted by a weirdo in his dead great grandfather's antique three piece suit. He creeped me out but in a fun interesting way. The place was dimly lit and he offered me a seat anywhere but the giant couches. He was overly polite and very knowledgeable of the beer and wine list. I drank for about 5 minutes before Death and Co called me to head on over so I was kinda pleased to pay the bill and get the heck out of crazy town with mayor creepy-dude. I recommend this place for a good laugh because it really is a trippy place. And apparently this place is supposed to have food but it didn't. Doesn't even have a kitchen. Maybe the west side location has fondue.

5 out of 10 ninja stars

122 E 7th St
New York, NY
(212) 475-2246

www.thepignyc.com

Nice try. (Nice-Matin NYC)

I see these '100 best burger' articles in the window of some place and I just feel compelled to walk in. Almost involuntarily, like how girls must feel they have to throw themselves at me immediately upon laying eyes on me. It's quite a nuisance really. But such is the life of KungFuChef. So once again I take the challenge to find a best burger in the world and it brings me to a french place this time. Nice-Matin is nice-looking although boring really. The decor is typical of white tablecloth french brasserie with nothing stand out or exceptional whatsoever. The lunch/brunch menu was small but had the 'five napkin burger' which was exactly why I came in. I didnt bother with an appetizer since I didn't feel particularly impressed by the menu and I also wanted to leave enough room for the 10 oz of beef coming my way. The burger arrived cooked to order perfect temp (which is medium for a burger in my opinion). The burger had melted comte cheese and was covered in extremely oily and undersalted onions. There was also one perfect ripe tomato and a piece of red cabbage to accompany. I had ketchup and mayo on the side since they offer no special sauce. The burger once built towers over your plate and must be cut in half to be eaten properly without spillage. The oily onions are kind of a let down but the beef tasted great. The comte was also an awesome choice of cheese and a nice change from all the blue i've been eating but it wasn't enough to make this burger worth the $15 price tag. I don't think this burger was bad, but it wasn't awesome. 

4 out of 10 ninja stars

201 W 79th St
New York, NY 10024
(212) 873-6423

Sexy Update: They also had ultra delicious fries but this isn't a starch competition.

Ninja Thoughts.

So I have to tell everyone that the site is getting quite popular. Of course your not surprised, but it's still nice news to get. I have been getting some very positive response from the "guess that dish" section and would like to extend the challenge to you. Since most of you can't seem to guess that dish when its anything shy of obvious, I challenge you to find a gross dish and have KungFuChef guess what it is. I bet I can figure it out within 3 tries. Send in your digital pictures of the dish and I will post them up and give it a try. I also want to thank everyone who has been leaving great feedback and suggesting new places to quest for. Thank you for all your support. 

Cheers!

KungFuChef

Guess That Dish!

Heres an easy one... But not easy to eat I think. Notice there is a bucket full of this particular eastern treat!

Guess That Dish!

I would rather eat vegetables!

Office of the drunken slob. (Father's Office LA)

I haven't been to LA for a while but since I referenced one of their burgers as the best so far I am inclined to let everyone know the skinny, rather, the fat of it. This place is a nightmare to get in and its only really open post work hours as far as I know. The line outside can be daunting but unlike New York you can get a sweet tan if you do it shirtless. If your me, you can even pick up ladies by flexing your pectorals and whistling as they walk by. Once inside its a total mob scene, you have to seat yourself which is kind of a joke. Because they usually let you in before something opens up. So I wandered in with my friend and we started scanning tables for availability. Nothing looked like it was gonna be ready but thats ok since I had a sweet pad on the beach and boasted my own patio. So we decided on takeout. The bartender was very accomodating as I ordered one of the many delicious draughts and my date ordered wine (HAHAHAHAHA) while we waited. Seriously, if she wasn't french I would have probably left without her, never ever order wine with a blue cheese burger. You might as well order a shirley temple and put your hair in pigtails. So there are no substitutions here except the burger comes a la carte so you can get any choice of fries. They have a delicious aoli but absolutely no ketchup so don't ask(snobs). After a short wait I went home with her and we ate the burgers. They were so great. Even after spending a good 10 minutes in a box they were still perfect, the bun had not been soaked through with juice and the everything was just perfect. the sweet potato fries rocked as well! I gotta say this burger is rockin. Just the right amount of blue cheese and not an overly salted one like at Spotted Pig. And for two dollars less its a steal! I highly recommend this place for their superb burger, but everything else (decor, ambiance, service) sucks!

5 out of 10 ninja stars

1018 Montana Ave
Santa Monica, CA 90403
(310) 393-2337

Guess That Dish!

HMMMM, is that edible?

Guess That Dish!

YUMMY!

Free Aung San Suu Kyi!! (Burma Restaurant DC)

Chinatown's bustling 7^th street, is full of many quick places for lunch—but if you're really looking for some authentic and spicy food, venture down 6^th street.  For risk-takers and MSG high lovers there's the "Noodle Guy" who makes fresh noodles in the window at Chinatown Express, for Thai enthusiasts there's Kanlaya (more on my beloved Kanlaya some other time), and for the curious there's Burma.  Burma, or present day Myanmar is located in southeast Asia bordering China, Thailand and India—and the influence makes for some interesting and delicious dishes.  For fatties I highly recommend the Pickled Green Tea Leaf Salad, which was a light and refreshing dish with rich flavors including ground shrimp and peanuts.  All  of the curry dishes are right on the money and the mango pork is a must as it is a great example of yummy Burmese flavor.  The dishes were generous, and the service fast and friendly, and most of the items on the menu were under ten dollars—which makes Burma even more likable.  

6 out of 10 ninja stars

740 Sixth St. NW, 

Washington, DC 20001

The slowest pig. (The Spotted Pig NYC)

I arrived at this west village hot spot on a weekend night to be extremely surprised by a packed establishment. When I told the host that my table was going to be 4 people he very quickly said 2 hours. I hate that, a place that doesn't take reservations that still takes 2 hours to get a table at. Ugh. Its like I should pay a guy who lives nearby to go in and make a reservation for me (you can only do it in person) and then have him call me and arrive then. Or I could just come at the suggested time of midnight or during the day. While waiting for my table I managed to find a spot at the bar and began drinking overpriced draught beer and ordered a side of pickles. The pickles were excellent as was the draught, but its just so overpriced its hard to swallow. When my table was finally ready it was upstairs in another crowded dining room. The table was small and the outside seats are merely stools. This kind of sucks. I mean, get a decent chair. and a stool is less than ideal for protecting your back from the jabs and pokes of dumb drunks at the bar behind. I was so drunk at this point that I didnt care about anything. I loved the decor which was pretty cool and interesting with pigs everywhere. The only thing I got was also the reason why I went: the burger (food quest!). Now I was very curtly told I could not substitute anything on this dish, I could only take it away. So, afraid to lose anything of my $15 to some hungry busboy I had the burger as is with the shoestring fries. The burger came out perfectly cooked and very juicy. It was massive I could have had a tapeworm and still been satisfied. The blue cheese was a great compliment to the frizzled onions and the bun was awesome... not too much, not too little. The shoestring fries were oily and delicious and thank god they came with ketchup or I would have been very afraid to ask. The burger was probably one of my favorites, but Father's office in Santa Monica was maybe a little better. For New York, this is one of my top choices. Def come here for a drink but try and sneak a burger in if you can manage the wait and you wallet can manage the bill.

6 out of 10 ninja stars

314 W 11th St # 1
New York, NY 10014
(212) 620-0393
www.thespottedpig.com

Food Quest Update: Hot Sauce

So I am still looking for a fish taco under 10 dollars, and the perfect burger. But so far I have narrowed down the hot sauce best to these few brands. Hot sauce has always been important at making bad food good and good food better. A good hot sauce will spice up a bland dish but wont set your face on fire and numb your taste buds so that the bottle of tequila your drinking doesn't make you puke so you can get really drunk and maybe get lucky. But back to hot sauce. So these three are my far-out favorites and should definitely be tried. Honorable mentions go to Tapatio and Cholula
but neither hold a flame to these amazing torch holders of hot saucy-ness. From the far east and probably invented by Thai stick fighters who would put it on their hands along with glue and broken glass (we all saw that movie) is the amazing raging hen; Sriracha sauce. It is both hot and flavorful. can be used on any dish from burgers to spaghetti. It works on Mexican food as well as on Chinese. The next sauce was probably invented in a laboratory and boasts some serious chipotle power.
Tabasco brand chipotle hot sauce is one of the most flavorful and yet still pretty hot sauces around. Its like crack, I constantly re-apply to my favorite dishes but it really only complements Mexican food well. The final sauce is a bit elusive. I can only get it from my St. Johns connection in the caribbean. Its super hot and super delicious. All natural and probably going to burn a whole in your stomach good. Both the yellow and red are good and the bottle is decorated with a sombrero for your pet mouse. Its called Caribbee and its hard to find goodness in every bottle.

Far cry from a nightmare. (Amalia NYC)

There are some restaurants that try too hard to be different and good and then there are those that succeed in being a unique stand out dining experience. Amalia is just that. The details here were crazy cool. My table was on the elevated second level which overlooks the lower dining area, and I felt like a king and I could do anything to my lower caste like pee on them and laugh. But, alas, I was just sitting on the upper room and my crown was non existent. The ceiling had french masterworks backlit on it and there was no wall without some kind of very cool and interesting pattern or whatever to look at. The server was really good, he made excellent recommendations and he had plenty of time to take excellent care of my table. I was destined to get some from my hot date for sure. The food was so good but the appetizers were a bit small. I wish there had been a little more going on. I mean two buttery delicious scallops with black truffle and risotto was just enough to make me want to choke the busboy for another. The lamb meatballs were really good, and when they arrived and the guy put them down and called them "lamb balls" I laughed as I delighted in their deliciousness. My main course was the dry aged steak which was... amazing. I was brought to food nirvana on this one. I mean, I spent a lot of time in Argentina and this steak could have surpassed all of those combined. I think there must be an Argentinian cheerleader crying in a corner of a windowless room while chained to a broken toilet somewhere because of my last comment but I just cannot tell a lie. I finished with the white chocolate mousse with coconut ice cream. It was really good. I also had a signature gin drink called the demeter which was also excellent. I really enjoyed this place.

9 out of 10 ninja stars

204 W 55th St
New York, NY 10019
(212) 245-1234
www.amalia-nyc.com

Become a human flamethrower. (Tamarind NYC)

I must have passed this restaurant 100 times on my way to work before finally breaking down and checking it out for myself. I must say I was pleasantly surprised. This is the first Indian restaurant I've been to that isn't over decorated with christmas lights or weird Indian relics. It was really simple and tasteful. The menu was gorgeous as well. I mean they had everything and anything I loved in Indian food. This is of course, the kind of food that will turn you into a human flame thrower the next day and probably make it impossible to be 'regular' for a week, but it was worth it. And to report so far, two days later i'm ok. The Indian food standard dish for comparison is as always chicken tikka and this place nailed it! The saag panir was good, and there were a few more dishes I dont know how to pronounce let alone spell that I highly recommend. So just order everything on the menu and hope you got some of the same things I did. I highly recommend this place. Oh and my date payed this time so I am not really sure how expensive it is. So when you go have your date pay and you wont be surprised.

8 out of 10 ninja stars

41 E 22nd St
New York, NY 10010
(212) 674-7400
www.tamarinde22.com

Street Food for Rich People. (Oyamel DC)

Expensive Mexican 'street food'?  I know I was skeptical but meeee GUSTA!  Creative, hip and delicious—but bring mucho dinero, this place can get pricey.   The menu is packed with many different Mexican 'street food' specialties that are served in small plates.  I've been to Mexico many a times, and trust me 'street food' is not something you normally would want to try--but somehow Oyamel makes eating tacos seem rico suave.  Our server recommended we each order 3-4 plates—and she was right because the plates were pretty small in portion.  Delicious stand outs include: "Ceviche de Salmon con maracuya y epazote" for ceviche lovers, "Camarones al epazote" which are spicy grilled shrimp, and if you love scallops be sure to try the "Cayo de hacha con salsa de pepitas de calabaza" which were grilled scallops seasoned with pumpkin seeds.  If you love guacamole, Oyamel's "Guacamole al tomatillo con queso fresco" is an interesting diversion from what you would normally find as it contains goat cheese—but it's still oddly delicious.  Mexican tacos in hand-made corn tortillas are also items that should not be passed up, especially the wild mushroom "Tacos de hongos" and for chipotle lovers the "Tinga poblana."  Margaritas were delicious and creative with a "salt air," a foam of salt that floated on top of the drink instead of salt around the rim, but at $10 for a small lowball glass, be prepared to take out a small loan to get muy borracha.  

8 out of 10 ninja stars

401 7^th St NW

Washington, DC 20004

http://www.oyamel.com/

Sushi motor speedway. (Sushi Go Round and Tapas DC)

As Silky Johnson would say: What can be said about Sushi Go Round and Tapas (SGRaT) that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan, it looks bombed out and depleted! Tonight I met up with a friend who I met last summer in Cartagena, Colombia who wanted to try sushi. I only picked SGRaT because I was coming from the gym, and I wanted to go someplace that was acceptable in my spandex and it was only a block away. Conveyor belt sushi, if done right can be really awesome. I once went to this super fancy place in Roma, Italia that had a little sushi river, and they sent little boats around filled with sushi that you just plucked out of the water.  SGRaT however felt like a gross, old, sushi factory--with the same old pieces of sushi going around and not any new ones being put out! So after a while you maybe see 5 or 6 types of different sushi going around, and less and less plates, and then you start to feel annoyed that you don't really have a choice anymore--just stuck with whatever is leftover. I've been here plenty of times for lunch--and its the only time to go, because its busy and they keep putting new plates out. I had some spicy tuna, salmon and yellowtail which were okay but the rice was not real seasoned sushi rice, and the seaweed was on the chewy side-- I would definitely recommend ordering the pad thai from next door instead (little known fact, SGRaT and Thai Chili have the same owners so you can actually order food from either restaurant). The decor is tacky and minimal, a lot of stupid people couldn't figure out the sliding doors that DO NOT close by themselves which made the place freeezing and it was super distracting watching all these idiots pulling and tugging at the door, and as person closest to the door tonight, I felt the need to tell people--SLIDING DOOOOR, after they bojangled the doors a few times. So overall I hated it, but if you don't know squat about sushi and you love conveyor belts, you'll probably love it!

4 out of 10 ninja stars

701 7th St NW

Washington, DC 20001

www.sushigoroundatmci.com

I love cockroach of the sea. (Mary's Fish Camp NYC)

Lobster rolls are probably one of the biggest rip offs in the whole world. I have such a problem with them because you end up paying three to four times the market price of a whole lobster for a few pieces of it and a bunch of filler. And i'm always hungry after i leave. It's like good sushi, always follow up with a slice of pizza or risk going home hungry and eating the dog. Mary's Fish Camp is not cheap, but its so good its worth every penny. These are hands down the best lobster rolls I have ever had. They are so full of meat and I can actually see and distinguish tail, knuckle, and fresh vegies. The sauce is just perfect, not overpowering but enhancing the lobster. There was just enough bread to keep the lobster inside but not too much that i'm eating a bread sandwich. I love this place and highly recommend it on paycheck day.

8 out of 10 ninja stars

246 W 4th St
New York, NY 10014
(646) 486-2185

Some new blood.

So one of my most avid readers has accepted a position to cover Washington DC for my blog. The way I figure it, I'm still a few cities behind gridskipper but still a heck of a lot funnier. My friend Chion will be moonlighting from her other blog to share some restaurant reviews from some of the many dates she goes on. She's hot and actually asian so I'm sure she'll do a good job. What this means for you is that there will be more posts, and some more perspective. Thanks to all my loyal readers, hopefully I'll have a bit more for you to read now. 

Cheers,

KungFuChef

Chocolate Crack. (Debauve & Gallais NYC)

Questing for good chocolate is every bit as fun as it sounds. It's especially rewarding when you get to start at a place like this. I mean this is like the fanciest chocolate shop anywhere. The guy who sells the chocolate is like a guru of chocolate and even used to be a chef. KungFuChef likes other chefs a lot so he got a lot of my respect. The place has lots of region-specific chocolate from all kinds of places I thought were in some kind of war on CNN and not good at chocolate. But they make chocolate so good it would make a sober girl sleep with you. The chocolate bars are all over 10 dollars so bring plastic because it's a pricey place. However, the bars are not more expensive if they have more or less cocoa in them, which is listed clearly on all of the bars. This place does amazing dark chocolate, but I don't recommend going much higher than 90% cocoa because the 99% chocolate bar they sell tastes so bitter I get bitter beer face so bad I feel like im gonna implode. The truffles and ganache they sell are so good they are like chocolate crack. It's hard to say no to more once you tried one. This place will be hard to top.

10 out of 10 ninja stars

20 E 69th St
New York, NY 10021
(212) 734-8880

Zucco the french pirate makes good food. (Zucco le french diner NYC)

Who would believe that this guy who fell off a pirate ship would have opened a great little french place in les? It must have been a delicious french bistro-boat because this place was supercool. It's a tiny little nook on Orchard st with maybe 15 seats. I imagine the wait here must be terrible on a weekend but I couldn't tell you honestly because I dont eat on weekends, just drink. This is the kind of place you could take a girl from NYU on a date to and she would give you points for just knowing where to find it and the owner who looks like a pirate would make you look good by comparison. The wine list was really inexpensive but I realized why after I ordered because the glasses are smurf sized. If I poured two of them together into a normal 'adult' wine glass I would have had a full glass but whatever, let the man make a buck. Clearly he's cutting corners wherever he can because not only was he bartending but he was also waiting on my table and probably cooking the food as well. The menu was awesome. There was so many choices of great french dishes it was hard to choose. There are a lot of sandwiches which would make this place a really great lunch place as well. I tried the homemade foie gras which was excellent. Very rich and incredibly fresh. I tried an escargot and found them to be a bit bland, but nothing a little salt couldnt fix. For my main dish I went with a traditional french favorite, duck confit. It was perfect. The side was a sort of potato au gratin souffle which was the best execution of this side dish I have ever tried. My hot date had rack of lamb and she said it was good. But it wasn't good enough to get me an invitation over to her place for a night cap. Probably because it's impossible to get a girl drunk enough with their tea-party sized wine glasses. We shared a creme caramel for dessert which was sooooo good. I guessed there was orange in it correctly and it was a really nice flavor enhancer. Great dinner. Unfortunately this place is cash and amex only and since im not that baller I had to run out to an atm. They also don't take reservations. But don't let either of these points deter you from this great little pirate ship---er, french restaurant.

8 out of 10 ninja stars

188 Orchard St

New York, NY 10002
(212) 677-5200

Food Quest Update

How awesome is this picture?! It's me posing in my robes in front of the city skyline. I am so awesome. So I am currently looking for a few staple foods that need to be available to me in ready quantities or I do crazy things like move to another country. I want an awesome cheap fried fish taco. They have a good one at Aspen but the kind I want cost like 2 dollars max and are made in minutes and are so spicy I can breathe fire out of my butt the next day. I am also looking for awesome chocolatier in the city thats ready to make some interesting stuff other than chocolate dipped pretzels or boring caramel filled chocolate bars. I also want to find the best burger in town. I am not happy with any of the current rating systems because they are filled with opinions that aren't mine. I will update all on my progress weekly.

Cheers,
KungFuChef

Sexy update: I am also looking for the best hot sauce around. A cross between a nuclear explosion and bacon, the most delicious food group.

Someone ate my chocolate. (Richart NYC)

Something my readers should know is that I love chocolate. Dark chocolate especially, white chocolate not so much. However I have had a white chocolate mousse that was so good i wanted to make love to it. I drink so much nestle quik I should be sponsored. So its probably obvious that I know just about every chocolate shop in the city. I don't mind paying 8 dollars for a chocolate bar if people in the jungle died obtaining the beans and a cow was sacrificed to the gods of milk. One of my favorite places, Richart, had the best blends in their chocolate. They have traditional like salted caramel with salt from Brittany and butter from Normandy (happiest cows), and then really exotic pasta sounding chocolate like tomato basil. When I found this place I thought I had found my new apt in the city and asked to have a cot in the back. I bought a bunch of chocolate from the nice lady in December and we talked chocolate for a while and it was nice. So when I was going on one of my chocolate tasting tours on Madison ave I came to Richart and saw that it was completely gutted. The place looked like it had been deserted for months! It's like I bought the last chocolate they made. I went home and checked the website and found that they still have a location in Boston and San Juan but none in NYC anymore. WTF. Why does Puerto Rico have artisinal chocolate and not NYC. I mean, this isn't Columbus, Ohio-- this is New York where we have every kind of food in the world within 100 blocks. Why does my favorite Chocolate shop have to close down?!? So unfair. I am now going to quest for the best chocolate shop in New York to replace this one. If I see the lady who used to work there I am going to strangle her for not warning me, I would have bought a few boxes to last me. Also note to everyone doing a "chocolate tasting tour"; it sounds great but its really hard to eat enough chocolate to make it worthwhile to go to more than like, 3 places unless your a hippopotamus. I wonder if hippos are like dogs and they die if they eat chocolate. Is that true? I feel like thats just something my mom told me so that I wouldn't waste chocolate on the dog. Or maybe to stop me from giving the dog explosive diarrhea, gross. Anyway, don't go here unless you want to be angry.

0 out of 10 ninja stars

www.richart-chocolates.com

Find them hot and leave them wet. (Aspen NYC)

Aspen is a great idea when it's cold out and you want a warm fun place to go dine, have fun, or even dance. Unfortunately it's not ideal in the summer months when the huge fire-pit is just there and its not on because obviously it would be silly to drink in a sweat lodge... or is it? I wonder if one could get a lot drunker in sauna-like temperatures with sweat dripping from your body, I bet the dress code would be fun. Girls in bikinis, cold beers, the fire-pit. But I digress. I like this place because it has a really warm cozy feeling when you enter, not just temperature-wise. The staff is genuinely nice and very helpful and accommodating and the decor is wooden ski-lodge themed. The menu consists of an eclectic American mix from southwest favorites like brook trout tacos (current food quest) and all-American dishes like bison sliders. I am constantly surprised by how good the food is here because it's kind of under the radar. On weekends the place is really bumping like a club, which is great if your on a first date and you want to dry hump your date immediately after getting her drunk on cocktails like acai-margaritas and poached pear martinis and disguised the whole plan as a simple 'dinner' for two. On really cold days like when it snows the drinks are half off which is nice except global warming (Hummers) are ruining my chances on this deal. It is a bit on the pricey side but definitely worth a visit.

7 out of 10 ninja stars

30 W 22nd St
New York, NY 10010
(212)645-5040
www.aspen-nyc.com

Sexy update: The fire-pit becomes a fountain in the spring/summer and hot girls can swim in it naked like in Batman Begins... Yesssss!

Adding addresses to all posts.

Since everyone has been asking and they are all too lazy to google the restaurants, I am adding the addresses to each post and a website if they have one. Hope you guys are happy and thank you for reading. Additionally some of you have been contacting me to let me know about restaurants you would like me to review, please continue to do this. I would be happy to verbally crush any one of your favorite haunts. 

Cheers, 

KungFuChef

Cuba is more than just cigars and strong coffee. (Cafe Habana NYC)

This place is super delicious and very hip. It's tucked away in nolita and one can often spot a celeb or two munching on what might possibly be the best cuban sandwich outside of Cuba. The ham is succulent, the pickles are perfect and slightly sour. The mystery sauce is amazing and it soaks into the roll like a sponge making for an awesome lunchtime snack. I highly recommend getting corn on the side to accompany. The corn is the best! It's covered in parmesean and lime and butter and you can add hot sauce. Baby Blues has a similar corn side dish but this place does it better. Have a cuban sandwich here please but remember the long wait is worth it. I ate in the main restaurant once and didn't like it but the stand around the corner specializing in take out and quick bites (same menu) is exactly the way this food should be served. 

6 out of 10 ninja stars

17 Prince St
New York, NY 10012
(212) 625-2001

The BBQ ain't the only hot in this place! (Baby Blues BBQ Venice Beach, CA)

Who would have thought that good BBQ could exist west of the mississippi? Not me, I thought it was a joke when my 90lb waitress at my favorite watering hole on Abbot Kinney (The Other Room) told me about a seriously good BBQ joint a few blocks away. Turns out she knows her stuff. Baby Blues had some of the best beer marinated pulled pork I ever tasted. They have a variety of combo platters that will satisfy any hungry beast and wont put a hole in your wallet. The ribs are really great and might be the closest thing to beating my recipe for baby back ribs yet. They also have a shrimp po boy that is not quite Domilise's but its darn good. My favorite part about this place is the delicious homemade BBQ sauce. They have two kinds, original and porno xxx flavors. The porno sauce will burn your face off but its so good that I'm smiling while tears flow freely from my eyes. The porno sauce ain't the only thing hot at this place either. They have the finest servers I have ever seen in a BBQ joint and they are friendly and full of BBQ know-how. The place itself is a bit of a dive but who cares when the food and the servers are this good (looking). The sides are awesome too, great cornbread, great mac, great beans, and the mexican style corn defies excellence. Definitely stop in Baby Blues when in Los Angeles; it's worth the detour. Be sure to get there early cause they will run out of the most popular items as the day ends. 

8 out of 10 ninja stars

444 Lincoln Bl.
Venice, CA
(310) 396-7675
www.babybluesbarbq.com

Delicious food cannot be drowned. (Domilise's New Orleans, LA

In my travels I have encountered many kinds of delicious. And in some of my travels these places have been punished for being too delicious. And none of these places more than Domilise's do I feel like the wrath of god has struck down deliciousness in its purest unfettered form. And you may ask: "KungFuChef, you are just doing charity by saying good things about a ravaged city". But no, my idea of charity is not farting in public. My idea of good wholesome food is Domilise's fried po-boy sandwiches. Either oyster or shrimp they are both excellent fried southern treats. And I love my southern treats! It's a shame hurricane Katrina temporarily paused their pursuit of food perfection but they are back and still serving it up. I recommend that you take a taxi to get there though because apparently it is not safe to walk in that part of town even if your questing for food. Because some people believe the holy grail is NOT edible, foolish as that may sound. It does spell danger for the likes of myself. I highly recommend this one although the place is a total dive, the food defines it. And thats like a lotus flower, which someone once told me truly: "Will only grow in sh*t". 

7 out of 10 ninja stars.

5240 Annunciation St
New Orleans, LA 70115
(504) 899-9126

Chuck Norris eats Mexican food too. (Le Kliff Puerto Vallarta, Mexico)

On a not so recent vacation I had the chance to visit a very interesting restaurant in Puerto Vallarta and a frequent haunt of the legendary Chuck Norris. The place was awesome. It was 15 miles south of the main town and we had to take a long ride to get there. Once there you see why people even go here. The view is phenomenal. The restaurant is covered by the worlds largest palapa which is also a really cool feature. The place is mostly seafood and that makes sense since its like one hurricane away from falling down 'le cliff' into the ocean. So i guess they must just let down fishing line in the day and serve the days catch at night. I would not put it past the friendly and attentive staff. Thankfully they spoke some english, because i bet when Chuck comes here he must roundhouse kick anyone who doesn't speak American to him. He is awesome. The food was excellent and i had seconds of the ceviche dish served in the coconut shell. The shell made it more delicious of course. I would have given this place 10 ninja stars if a few people in my group had not gotten sick the next day. Now nothing was proven but i just can't give the 10 ninja stars if it could get one of my readers sick. Im so sorry Chuck, please don't punish me with roundhouse kicks to the head.

9 out of 10 ninja stars

South Shores, Puerto Vallarta
(322) 224-0975
www.LeKliff.com

The corner of hip and trendy. (La Esquina NYC)

If you crave amazing mexican food and great service with availability and seriously unpretentious people DO NOT GO TO La Esquina. However, the place does have an amazing tequila selection and its a really fun place to eat light food and see some pretty faces before a really crazy night out on the town. I like this place for dates because its so tucked away, its hidden inside a taco stand. The door in the back is guarded by a suit with a clipboard and if you forgot to make a reservation 3 weeks in advance then you better have a bat to get by him. Once you do you will travel down a long staircase into the belly of the taco stand into the kitchen and out the other side into the main dining room. The dining room looks like the ancient cave of some tex-mex monster decorated with expensive bottles of tequila and beautiful stars and their entourages. The two best things about this place is the decor which seems to be perfect for this place and the tequila selection and its execution. They know tequila here. It's separated into blancos, reposados, and anejos and they have just about every brand I know. It does not come with lime unless you ask (but your wrong) but it does come with a tomato juice-like shot on the side which is designed to lessen the burn but save the flavor of the tequila in your throat (wuss). I love this place for big groups and dates but would recommend somewhere else if you hungrier than a 80 pound supermodel. 

7 out of 10 ninja stars

106 Kenmare St
New York, NY 10012
(646) 613-7100
www.esquinanyc.com

French food at the end of the world. (Chez Manu Ushuaia, AR)

Recently, I was in the city at the end of the world. Ushuaia, Argentina was a really special place that did not have much nighttime when I was there. the sun set at midnight and rose at 4 am. There were penguins (not for eating unfortunately) and beavers all over. It was very peculiar to me when I was at a cafe at the port that a frenchman came to me and told me of the hidden secret of Ushuaia. There was a french gastronome who had a restaurant at the top of the mountain where he cooked the finest french food this side of the equator, he said it in french of course. This place was not the best ever but it was pretty damn good. I would say that the service was terrible. Argentines do not understand good french service. It was a shame because the food was so amazing I wept, at least a tear. The meal started with cold king crab from the nearby channel. This was so flavorful i almost ate the plate. I love king crab so much, if done right it can be better than lobster. However, the chef admitted to me the hotter you serve it the more it's flavor is lost. So i passed on the broiled lobster-au-gratin and had some local sea-bass. This particular dish was not on the menu and I believe the Chef brought it out because my family has a French bistro in NYC and he wanted to show us his best. This fish was unbelievably well cooked. The thing was like butter in my mouth. It dissolved between my teeth and into my belly it stayed. Quite possibly the best simple fish dish i have ever had. I thought that would be it but there was more. I finished my meal with the finest souffle with grand marnier anywhere. They set a ball of flaming ice cream into the center and challenged me to hate it. It was soooo good. I highly recommend this tucked-away-treat in the terra del fuego. But if you can get the chef's suggestions then your meal will step up from ok to amazing.

7 out of 10 ninja stars

Louis Martial 2135
Ushuaia, Argentina

Some truly excellent smoked animal. (R.U.B NYC)

Hey ya! I had a chance to get away from the city this weekend and made some BBQ of my own. Baby back ribs are my favorite and i have not found a rival for my special recipe but R.U.B certainly comes close. Unfortunately for New York City we can't have real charcoal BBQ but do have some excellent smokers. At R.U.B just about everything on the menu is smoked about 24 hours in advance and tastes like it. It's delectable and delicious, never dried out. The pulled pork and brisket sandwiches are great and will fill you up for under $10. The beer on tap is just great and they've got one right now thats a wheat beer who's name escapes me but its something silly like 'oh my gosh' or something and it is my favorite. I have tried the frito pie which is truly a unique southern treat. They split open a fresh bag of fritos and drop in melted chili and cheese and jalapenos. Decadent. The duck is also a really really excellent treat if you can manage to get here before they sell out. like true BBQ, if they run out, you can't have it till tomorrow. I love this place for lunch or dinner but it's not classy enough for a real classy date so keep it between friends. Look out for the happy hours on game days and enjoy my favorite BBQ in town (so far). They are closed on MONDAY. CHEERS!

8 out of 10 ninja stars

208 W 23rd St
New York, NY 10011
(212) 524-4300
www.rubbbq.net

Not the Mouse Club. (Southern Hospitality NYC)

So I live relatively close to it and I love BBQ and got fevered at the aspect of having a nearby decent BBQ joint. I also would like to point out how I started this post with excuses because a red blooded male should have excuses for going to a restaurant made famous by Justin Timberlake's patronage. First off the staff seems to be uninterested at best. They all would rather be shopping at the mall or studying for their calc exams. When finally seated (it was packed I tell you), we were put at a table where one seat faced the wall, mine. This is a pet peeve of mine, if your restaurant has seats that face a wall, please put either a mirror or something interesting to look at... not a wall! The menu was uninspired, the server didn't care about BBQ and she was also overwhelmed by her enormous section of 3 tables. The ribs were dry, the sauce was bland and the slaw was runny. The beer was good. It came from a clean tap. After the bill came not only was I full of bad BBQ and left feeling sick, but I was notably poorer. This is as expensive as BBQ gets. Upon exiting the restaurant tired and beaten I did notice a very packed bar with fresh faced lovely ladies no doubt hoping to catch a glimpse of JT. I recommend this bar to nobody but my arch nemesis. Had I not been lazy I might have had a nice meal at R.U.B a short subway ride away.

2 out of 10 ninja stars

460 2nd Ave
New York, NY 10075
(212) 249-1001